


when i feel heavy metal an' i'm pins and needles

by sickgirl_mp3



Category: None - Fandom
Genre: F/M, interviews!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-05
Updated: 2017-07-05
Packaged: 2018-11-23 14:57:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11404788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sickgirl_mp3/pseuds/sickgirl_mp3
Summary: the dynamic duo's back for another gay interview





	when i feel heavy metal an' i'm pins and needles

NEW YORK’S FINEST

By: Jack Sulu

 

Beyoncé lounges in an armchair in her husband's office. I look at the newspaper in her hands and unsurprisingly, his face is plastered on it. I don't know if it's a prop for the photoshoot I’ve been allowed to sit in on, but something tells me it's not. Wanting to kill my curiosity, I ask Beyoncé what she's reading.

 

“I’m reading _The Times_. They wrote about Jordan,” she answers happily, pointing at the picture of him on the paper. “They found a good pic of him too. He looks so cute when he smiles in pictures.”

 

I ask her where Jordan is and she asks me if I want to see him. Why not? I’ll have to look at him for a good amount of time later on. I walk with her to the bathroom they’re using as a dressing room and she tells me to wait where I am. She sneaks into the bathroom and I hear an excited exclamation of Beyoncé's name from Jordan followed by a surprised squeal from Beyoncé.

 

“You’re gonna wrinkle my- your- my- fuck,” I hear Beyoncé say through the door.

 

“ _My_ shirt?” Jordan asks with a laugh.

 

I hear mumbling and giggling and obvious kissing, and I’m jolted by a bang on the door I’m standing near.

 

“Okay, they won't notice if I-”

 

“No, I know how you get. One time turns into two times, two turns into a shitty excuse so that you can make three,” Beyoncé interrupts. “Plus, the guy interviewing you wants to say hello- stop, now!”

 

Jordan laughs, but it's muffled and I can't figure out why. I can't hear what he proceeds to tell Beyoncé, either.

 

“I know that me saying no makes us sit in here longer- I _know_ , Jordan- because. That's why. How you gonna eat _anything_ , especially, you know, _me_ , with that in your mouth, J? Well, good for you, baby- _no_ \- Jordan!” I listen to Beyoncé tell her husband.

 

I have a quiet laugh at the fact that she sounds as if she's talking to herself somewhat.

 

“If you let me down and act right then I’ll let you try and see how many orgasms you can crank out after five.”

 

Beyoncé's shoes click quietly on the floor.

 

“Thank you, baby. You look cute,” she says softly. “Red is your color.”

 

Beyoncé giggles. She starts to open the door and I pretend I wasn't standing right in front of it listening. Jordan walks out behind Beyoncé and I shake his hand.

 

 

He introduces himself as if I and anyone else in the country wouldn’t immediately recognize him. Photographers recognize he’s out of hiding and whisk him and Beyoncé way to set. I follow right behind. Immediately, they're giving orders on how the two should pose. I watch as Jordan sits at his desk and Beyoncé takes a seat on it and vice versa. She struts back around to where Jordan sits and bends down, pulling on his tie as they look each other in the eye. So many flashes go off that I lose count, and Jordan would later tell me the same. He pretends to be on the phone while Beyoncé pretends to be looking through sensitive documents with non perscription glasses on.

 

Beyoncé lays across his desk, messing up actual documents on them (“He’s disorganized anyway,” she would go on to say) and letting her hair down. Jordan decides to mess with her by laying next to her, but she pushes him off and the cameras flash just as he begins to fall. After an insurmountable amount of time passes, photographers beg for one more picture of them; their only guideline for the picture’s content is that they hold hands and let their own energy determine what happens further. They oblige, linking their fingers together.

 

“How’s it feel to be married to a model?” Beyoncé asks Jordan.

 

“I dunno. How’s it feel to be married to a CEO?” Jordan responds.

 

Beyoncé giggles. “Stop trying to one-up me.”

 

Jordan laughs, shoulders shaking. They both grin for the picture. For the first time, I notice the bottom row of Jordan's teeth gleaming gold. They're about to wander off set when they pass by me, backtracking and sitting down.

 

 

GQ: Almost thought you were gonna forget about me.

 

JU: We’d never.

 

GQ: You’re the first CEO I’ve met who actually brings his wife to work.

 

JU: Am I? _[laughs.]_ Half the time I don't even bring her, really. She usually shows up out of the blue with lunch and sticks around for a few hours or so. She distracts me at times but I don't mind.

 

GQ: How do you balance your work life and your love life?

 

JU: I’ve never had to sit and think, “How am I gonna work and love my wife at the same time?” I don't really have to worry about it, Beyoncé doesn't either. We love each other and it's not something we have to set aside time for and say, “Hey, let's remind ourselves of how much we like each other,” or “Well, it’s our designated time for us to give a shit about each other for a little while and then go back to ignoring each other.” That's bullshit.

 

GQ: If you could go back and tell your unmarried selves one thing, what would it be?

 

JU: _[snickers.]_ She had a peanut butter sandwich. Watch out.

 

BU: Jordan.

 

JU: Am I wrong?

 

BU: No, but stop. I’d tell myself… hm. Oh! If you don't like him so much, why can't you tell him to get lost?

 

GQ: I imagine getting Beyoncé to stay around was hard.

 

JU: Oh. _[scoffs.]_ Fuck no. It was easy as hell.

 

BU: That makes me sound easy.

 

JU: She wasn't easy. Not usually, at least. Not before me. I have too much charm for anyone to feel anything other than a little too relaxed around me. Basically, what I’m saying is that I’m irresistible and if Beyoncé seems like she's a ‘round the way kinda girl then it's my own fault.

 

BU: Okay, Jordan. We get it, everyone loves you.

 

JU: Really, you think so? Thank you.

 

BU: I want a divorce.

 

JU: Do you?

 

BU: I’m tired of your ass.

 

GQ: Are you guys ever afraid that you're gonna lose this kind of thing?

 

BU: Does [redacted upon interviewees’ request] in the building next to us pay his taxes?

 

JU: Fuck no.

 

BU: There's your answer.

 

GQ: How do you guys avoid it?

 

JU: I know this is kind of cliche, but we go on dates every week.

 

BU: Sometimes a “date” is even going to the club together, and that's okay, ‘cause we like to look at strippers together. That's romance. _[giggles.]_

 

JU: Sex.

 

GQ: What do you mean?

 

JU: We fuck like, all the time.

 

BU: _ALL_ the time.

 

GQ: And you’re saying that's a component of your relationship that keeps things sewn together?

 

JU: Yeah. I mean, sex doesn't fix all of our problems-

 

BU: 99 percent of them.

 

JU: Fuck. But it's what we like, it's what Beyoncé likes, it's fun.

 

GQ: So sex and dates keep you guys sane.

 

JU: Keeping shit simple does.

 

BU: And surprises. Jordan always surprises me in cute little ways like making me breakfast, or coming home on his lunch break and eating with me-

 

JU: She surprises me by coming to work to say hello. It keeps me calm but not always focused, I’m cool with that.

 

GQ: “Saying hello” isn't always in the literal sense, is it?

 

JU: _[laughs.]_ Of course not.

 

GQ: Has there ever been a point in your career or your relationship where you've sat back and thought, “God, I had no idea this was gonna be so hard!”

 

JU: In my career, no. I think it's because I sat through the whole routine with my dad when I was growing up, so when he pushed me into it, I didn't have that much of a problem with things. Working is something that comes easily to me. If someone doesn't pull me out of here sometimes I’ll practically live here and work myself to death.

 

I also think it all comes down to who you keep around. Lots of people say that I try to be my employees’ friends- it's not that. Think about sports teams. One bad player or one player with a bad attitude can fuck up a whole game. Not always, but it's not uncommon. What do you do with those guys? You put ‘em on the bench, they sit there either angry or just not doing shit, but mostly both at the same time. My thing is, why have anyone like that on _my_ team? I want people who are fucking go-getters in my court. I want people who’re quick-witted, team playing, all that kind of shit. I don't want people around that'll bring me or the team down over some useless shit.

 

GQ: Do you feel overwhelmed by your relationship at all?

 

JU: In a way… yes. But also, no.

 

GQ: Please, elaborate.

 

JU: I’m a little insecure about my own self in my relationship. If something makes me happy, I’m gonna do everything I can to keep it, and in the past it's been too much for some people.

 

BU: He’s hardheaded. I tell him that he shouldn't worry about it all the time, but that fear he has is better than him not caring at all. You're doing great, Jordan.

 

JU: Now I feel silly. Thank you. _[laughs.]_

 

BU: Anytime, cutie.

 

GQ: You’re out to dinner with your wife and the phone rings. What people would make you be like, “Oh, I _have_ to take this?”

 

JU: _[scoffs.]_ Nobody. Except maybe Tina [Beyoncé’s mother.]

 

GQ: And you, Beyoncé?

 

BU: Nobody. Not even my mother. I can call her back- I’m trying to spend time with my man, leave me alone!

 

JU: _[laughs.]_ That's my wife.

 

GQ: What kind of things do you guys argue most about?

 

BU: Jordan-

 

JU: Demanding what's hers, definitely. It’s a little better now, but it was way worse when we first got together. She was too nice- not to say being mean is the way to go, it really isn't- she kind of let people run over her. You know Saks Fifth Avenue?

 

GQ: Of course.

 

JU: Well, I’d given her my card, and I was like, “Go nuts,” and she went there- this is when we were first dating, by the way, which is why I had to force her to treat herself- and I was at work just assuming that she was out having a fun time or whatever. She calls me on the phone a little while later and says, “Jordan, they wouldn't help me at the store.” Huh? I was so confused; she was a potentially high-paying customer, why wouldn't they help? Beyoncé explained why later, but—

 

GQ: Why?

 

BU: I’m a black woman. Not only that, but I’m a black woman with a rich white man’s credit card in my hand. It makes sense but it doesn't.

 

JU: —yeah, and I took off of work to go up there. I went up to the sales associates and I said, _[snaps fingers]_ “You. Could you help my girlfriend? She wants something really nice to wear on our trip to the opera tonight with our friend Keanu.”

 

BU: _[snorts.]_ I was standing there in Jordan's old high school basketball jersey and my own old jeans and the red bottoms he’d bought me the day before so I had to look 200 kinds of fucked up. And he really did snap his fingers. I was just as surprised as you are. Also, when Jordan mentioned Keanu, one of the ladies there almost lost her mind!

 

JU: I was so fucking upset. I wish I could've bought that store and ran those sons of bitches out. I made her act like we were gonna buy something from there, and when she was done having fun trying stuff on, I threw the clothes at ‘em and told ‘em, “Fuck you, she wants something from Saint-Laurent now, anyway.” And we left.

 

BU: I’d never seen him act like that before.

 

GQ: Beyoncé, what do you think Jordan's irritating “thing” is?

 

BU: Like I said before, Jordan has this thing where he like… Doubts himself. Not when it comes to business, but when it comes to his personal life. Sometimes he won't even say it directly, it’ll show in how he says things about himself. It weirds me out, because like, how can he not see what I see? I wish he could be in my shoes, he makes me so happy. But I’ve been working on telling him at least ten good things about him every day in the morning when he wakes up for work. It's fun ‘cause some days I just tell him he's sexy ten times in a row and he's gotta accept it.

 

JU: Annoying.

 

BU: Hey, Jordan.

 

JU: Yes?

 

BU: You’re sexy.

 

JU: _[rolls his eyes]_ Thank you. That’s eleven affirmations, though.

 

BU: I’m allowed to compliment you as many times as I want, bitch. I love you.

 

JU: I love you too, _[laughs.]_ thank you.

 

GQ: Where do you think you’d be without each other?

 

JU: Bored. Probably popping cranberry pills and praying.

 

GQ: And you, Beyoncé?

 

BU: Not happy. Broke. Bored. Walking normally at almost all times. _[snickers.]_

 

GQ: How do you guys deal with stress?

 

BU: “You guys?” More like, “you.” Singular. I’m sittin’ pretty for the most part.

 

JU: I fuck Beyoncé. I do other stuff. I watch football. I call my friend Mariah on the phone.

 

GQ: Carey?

 

JU: Carey. She’s crazy, man, she's crazy smart. I swear to God, she's like- she's all-knowing or shit.

 

BU: Right after me.

 

JU: Right after Beyoncé. But like, you could ask that woman the meaning of life and she'd say some shit like, “You can find it on 42nd street,” and it’d make sense somehow.

 

GQ: One last question.

 

JU: Shoot.

 

GQ: How old is she?

 

JU: Beyoncé? She’s 23. Someone got mad at me one time because they straight up thought she was like, 19. They were like, “How are you gonna fuck a girl who's in college, you think you can do what you want ‘cause you've got all this money,” all that kinda shit. Beyoncé was endeared.

 

GQ: I meant Mariah Carey.

 

JU: Oh! _[laughs.]_

 

BU: We don't even know.

 

JU: She won't even tell me. I was like, “Mimi, what if I gave you half a mil, would you tell me?” And she didn't say anything, so I assumed she'd tell me and I paid up, and she took my money, gave me a kiss on the cheek, and went on her way.

 

BU: Extravagant.

 

JU: Truly.


End file.
